Being Open & Honest with Your Kids After a Divorce

How to Keep It Real Without Overloading Their Little Hearts

Divorce is tough. Tough on you, tough on your ex (yes, even if you’d rather not admit it), and especially tough on your kids. One of the biggest questions I had after my divorce was: How do I talk to my kids about this? I wanted to be honest, but not too honest. I wanted to protect them, but not lie to them. And, let’s be real, I didn’t want to sound like a bitter, heartbroken mess in the process.

Years later, I’ve learned that being open and honest with your kids after a divorce is a balancing act—part wisdom, part humor, and part knowing when to just say, “You know what? That’s a great question for another time.”

So, here’s what I’ve learned about keeping it real with your kids post-divorce—without scarring them for life.

1. The Age-Appropriate Honesty Rule

Honesty is great. Oversharing is not. Your five-year-old does not need to know the details of your custody battle, and your 12-year-old doesn’t need a play-by-play of the emotional breakdown you had when you saw your ex with their new partner.

Keep it age-appropriate:

• Little kids (4-7): Simple explanations. “Mom and Dad live in different houses now, but we both love you very much.”

• Elementary age (8-12): A little more detail, but still simple. “Sometimes grown-ups don’t get along anymore, but that doesn’t change how much we love you.”

• Teens (13+): They know more. They see more. And, let’s be real, they probably have some opinions about it. It’s okay to acknowledge the tough stuff while reinforcing that you’re handling it as adults.

But no matter the age, remember: Your kid is not your therapist.

2. The “Don’t Trash Your Ex” Golden Rule

Listen, I get it. You may have some strong feelings about your ex. Maybe they left dishes in the sink for 12 years straight. Maybe they forgot your anniversary one too many times. Maybe they just weren’t who you thought they were.

But here’s the thing: Your kids don’t need to hear that. Ever.

No matter how you feel, your ex is still their parent. Kids don’t separate Mom from Mom the Ex or Dad from Dad Who Annoyed Me in Court. They just see their parent. And when one parent badmouths the other, kids don’t pick sides—they just get hurt.

Instead, if they ask questions about your ex, take the high road. If you can’t say something nice, say something neutral. If you can’t say something neutral, say, “You know, that’s something you can ask them about.”

And then go vent to your friends, your therapist, or into the void of your car on your drive home.

3. The Big Feelings Talk (for You and Them)

Your kids are going to have feelings about the divorce. And let me tell you, those feelings are not always going to come out as calm, insightful discussions over a shared plate of cookies.

Nope. They’re going to come out as:

• Meltdowns over seemingly random things (i.e., “I HATE THIS CEREAL NOW!”)

• Mood swings that make you question whether you accidentally brought home the wrong child

• Frustration at you because you’re the safe one

And that’s okay. Their world changed, and they’re figuring out how to deal with it. The best thing you can do? Make it safe for them to feel.

• Let them be mad, but remind them it’s okay to talk about it.

• Let them cry, even if it’s over something that seems tiny.

• Let them know that however they feel—it’s normal.

And don’t forget your own feelings, too. Take care of yourself, talk to someone who gets it, and don’t pretend like you’re fine if you’re not. Kids can sniff out fake happiness like a dog sniffs out a half-eaten sandwich under the couch.

4. Answer the Tough Questions (Without Losing Your Mind)

Divorced parents know the dread of that moment—the deep, soul-piercing questions that come out of nowhere, usually while you’re exhausted and holding a laundry basket.

• “Why can’t you and Mom just get back together?”

• “Was it my fault?”

• “Do you still love them?”

• “Are you going to leave me too?”

Deep breath. Here’s how to handle it:

1. Stay calm. Even if their question makes you want to cry into your coffee, try to stay steady.

2. Reassure them. “No, it’s not your fault.” “No, I will never stop loving you.”

3. Be honest, but don’t overshare. “Sometimes grown-ups grow apart, but that doesn’t change how much we love you.”

4. It’s okay to say ‘I don’t know.’ Because sometimes, you really don’t.

5. Keep Moving Forward (And Keep Laughing)

Here’s the thing about divorce—it’s just a chapter. A tough one, sure, but not the whole story. Your kids are watching how you handle this. They’re watching how you process, how you heal, and how you build a life that isn’t just surviving—but thriving.

So, keep moving forward. Build new traditions. Find reasons to laugh.

Laugh when your kid tells you, “Dad, I think you should get a pet instead of a new girlfriend.” Laugh when you both realize you packed nothing but Lunchables for an entire weekend trip. Laugh when you’re learning to cook because no one else is making dinner anymore.

Because even in the mess, there’s joy. Even in the hard parts, there’s love. And even in the unknown, there’s a future waiting for you and your kids—one that’s built on honesty, love, and just a little bit of humor.

So, go easy on yourself. You’re doing better than you think. And your kids? They’re going to be okay. Because they’ve got you.